I left early enough to get to church for the late service. The ride home is a blur. I really have little memory of what I saw. It's kind of scary, actually, to think how unfocused I was on driving. Yet, I don't really know where my mind was entirely. I feel raw, and numb. Is that shock? Awareness that you're raw, but you can't feel it?
When I got to church, the tears came as soon as I sat down in the sanctuary. My friend T came and sat with me, and the tears continued as worship began. It was youth Sunday, and they led us in an amazing service. There really are no words to describe what it was like to hear them talk about challenges and hopes. It is a beautiful thing to see youth speak without the shame we were taught in the church I grew up in. Truly beautiful.
Last night was okay, much better than I expected, actually. My mom seemed receptive and open. She was clearly struggling, but she acknowledged not really understanding homosexuality. There were some light moments, hilarious moments even....like the point at which she asked me, seriously, if all of my "organs" were normal, or her suggestion that I go buy a bottle of wine to help settle our nerves.
This morning, things were different, more the way I expected them to be. The reality set in over night and she had time to let anxiety take hold. I got up, went to the bathroom, poured myself a cup of coffee and as soon as my butt was in the chair, she started interrogating me. She made it clear that she is convinced for me to keep living this life is sinful, and that it will be hard on her. She begged me not tell my siblings, because I'd already brought enough heartache to her by telling her. She didn't want in her lifetime to see my brothers and sister reject me.
I know its hard on her. I know not to reify this moment and assume this is how it will always be. I know much of what I heard this morning is anxiety, and that what she said last night, before she could hear what anxiety had to say, was her honest gut response, and if I never see it again, at least I caught a glimpse of it.
I'm very conscious today of how I've opened myself up, again, to internalizing the fear and hatred. That's confusing to me, but I do have some idea of what's going on. In the days ahead, I think I'll be able to articulate it better and deal with it.
Right now, I just want to hide....